Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Kelly is a bad influence...

...and I now have the fingernails of a Vietnamese whore. There, I said it. They are long, clicky, and painted exactly the same shade of red as licorice. Twizzlers, not those crappy RedVines. I'm handicapped beyond what I can comfortably bear... I can't even open a soda can, for Pete's sake, and forget about typing the letter 'e'... it now comes with a sidekick. They look like this... 'e4'. Kee4n, huh? What's even better, now my knitting comes with extra "flair". I simply brandish my new, store-bought talons (do the chickens have large talons?) at the yarn and it just does my bidding. I am Dragonlady, after all. Doesn't do to anger Dragonlady.

I just realized that my hands resemble what I always imagined 'Miss Piggy's' mitts would look like if she ever took off the elbow length gloves. Oh well, we only go 'round once in this life (forgive me if you're a Buddhist... or an Asian sex worker, for that matter), and I figured what the heck. They might be amusing. I hadn't thought ahead to grooming, contact lenses, and what I'd do in the event of a toilet emergency. Lucky for me my waist is the fattest part of me... those britches shuck right down when you're really in a hurry. Zippers. Who needs 'e4m?

The sewing machine is going to work with me tomorrow. I think my mother gave it some sort of complex, and it has been complaining bitterly ever since she left, moaning and pissing about being abandoned, and improperly loaded bobbins and the like. And there is the little matter of the sock monkey quilt which I'm obligated to finish, even though there is a delectable slew of fabrics screaming for my affections in the shop. I'm chalking it up to 'character development' and taking the torture like a girl. But when it's over and done with, I'm making a quilt with big honkin' pieces. No fussy at all.

Still haven't gotten all my purchase orders ready to fax tomorrow, so this will have to be good night to all you crafty persons of dubious taste in blog reading. Possibly tomorrow will bring some 'remote blogging' from Clementine's... stay tune4d


Stephanie said...

Ahh yes. I remember having my nails done. I had a friend that dragged me in one day and exclaimed "you'll love them!" And indeed I did...for a while. I actually kept them up for a few months(those 2 week fills really add up though!!) I was still smoking at the time and lit them on fire more than once LOL!!! In a few days you'll be able to do normal stuff again...but go out and buy yourself a nail brush. It's frightening what those fakies attract under your nails. That part I don't miss :o) Have fun Dragon Lady!

Dragonfly said...

I love RedVines! I can be bribed to do almost anything with RedVines or coffee.

I've tried the super long nails, too hard to type plus I've gouged myself and child with them.

melly~ said...

oh mah gawd. i just peed myself.
sister - you need some sleep or something! cracking me up over here!
after a cuppa joe I'm getting set to run that wonderful Amy Butler fabric through my own machine. I got new needles yesterday to go along with my new Gingher's. Thanks for the tip. And did I thank you for that coupon yet? You saved me 14 bucks! Muchass grassyass.
Latah nittah.

gaylen said...

I'm getting my nails done before vaca - but not very long. Just long enough to leave marks during "adult activities" with JB ;}

I didn't rip the socks - in case you were wondering, but if he complains about them when they are finished - I'm going to saute the socks and feed them to him for dinner! g

Dragonfly said...

ok, dying laughing at gaylen's comment!!